How to Annoy Your Humans
After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM
TOWEL YOU DRY! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off
on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans
Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears
back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the
house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works
when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then
when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly
back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking
Teach your humans patience. When you go outside to go 'wee', sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you
choose to go wee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure
everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have
forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make
the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back
inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going
outside, this will drive them nuts!)
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take
good care of me... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a god! Or, as they say - dogs have masters, cats have staff!
Dog humour = slapstick
Cat humour = sarcasm
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite Thing !
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity.
continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would
strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously
The Latest Dog Breeds
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
A Dog's Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the
white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food
and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and
look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end
and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you
GARBAGE BIN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind
legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you
are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented
for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must
hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a
few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include
staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction,
or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is
necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably,
panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.
After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and
wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans
drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command
"sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
You Know You Have Dogs When.....
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no
You have baby gates permanently installed at
strategic places around the house, but no babies.
You can't see out the passenger side of the
windscreen because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
"Doggy Doo" has become a source of conversation
for you and your significant other.
You refer to yourselves as Mummy and Daddy but
have no children.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most
make no sense, but she understands. You like people who like your dog.
You despise people who don't.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk
about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas
cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog
can be comfortable.
be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose
Dear Dogs and
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up
in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to
turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline
attendance is not
The proper order is kiss me, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That's why they call it 'fur' niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get
pregnant, you can sell their children!!
A very funny rendition of an old favourite The 12 Days of Puppy. You will
relate to it if you have ever tried to "tame" a puppy!
Visit the Official Peanuts Website. Just click on